im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
