You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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