I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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