I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
