I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dicks are not precious.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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