If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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