is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
