Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
