I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
