I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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