i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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