im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
