help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
