you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
