I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
did i just pee glitter
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
