Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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