Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
