i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
