i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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