Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
