Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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