Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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