He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
