We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
