so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
