and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
there's paper in my vomit.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
