I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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