every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
