I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
