I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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