so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
