the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm sobbing to NWA
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
