I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
