my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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