Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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