We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
