If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
