im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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