the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
