Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
There's even glitter on my cock...
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