i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
