Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
