I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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