just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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