Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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