if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
