God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
