I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
