dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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