First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
