there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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