I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
